Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Queer, Dull Ache

I awoke this morning with a queer, dull ache. A tightness had wound itself around my heart, and I felt as though my strength were wasted already. An inauspicious way to start the day.

Today is Mother's Day. And I miss my mom.

This is the eighth year that I've had to mark this day to honor mothers without her. It is the fourth year that I've marked it as a mother myself.

I wish my mom were here to meet her granddaughter.

I tell Sadie stories about Grandma Emilie, and Sadie -- who is amazing -- tells me stories about her, too. One night, a few months ago, while I was getting her bath ready, Sadie startled me. She said, offhandedly, "Grandma Emilie doesn't want you to worry about these things." I said, "What things?" Sadie replied, "All things." I said, "Who is Grandma Emilie?" Sadie said, "You know her. She is your mama." I asked, "Where is Grandma Emilie?" Sadie said, "I saw her in heaven, with the Lord." I started to cry.

(Sadie has an unusual and eerie focus upon living with the Lord. When she prays, she always says that she hopes to live with the Lord someday. She's even argued with me, yelling that she wants to go live with the Lord right now. Funny little girl.)

I wonder: maybe my mother has already met her granddaughter. I do not know the mysterious workings of the Lord -- only that He is mysterious and His hand works within my life for good. There's a lot of my mom in Sadie.

So, I miss my mother, but I can remember with gratitude her life and her mothering. I hope that, even though we clashed loudly and often in this life, she knows somehow that I love her and respect her so.

Thank you, Mom, for always doing the best that you knew how. I wish we had been closer in this world, and I'm looking forward with all my heart to our reunion in the next.

Happy Mother's Day.

3 comments:

Flicka Spumoni said...

You've reduced me to a spineless sack of sobs and hiccups again.

Darn you, Justine! Darn you.

CrazyJo said...

What an amazing thing for Sadie to say. I think the Lord can have us meet people who have already died. He brought back Moses and Elijah while He was on earth! I've heard stories of people who see a loved one, only to find out it was after they had passed away.

It was a beatiful tribute to your mother, Justine. I can't imagine what you go through, and I'm so grateful my own mother is still alive. It will be neat when we can all (me, you, both our moms) fellowship together in our Father's house. I personally would like to meet the woman who produced a daughter as amazing and loving as you are.

Arielle said...

I think children are able to see far more clearly than adults. Sadie sure sounds like she provides you with a lot of joy. =)