Monday, December 09, 2013

The Anti-Dog Song

Of all of the creatures on God's good, green earth,
Lacking in wisdom and whimsy and worth,
There is one possessing of these greatest dearth,
And that, my friends, is the dog

From their big, lolling heads to banal, wagging tails
An aura of witlessness surely prevails;
When they clickety-clack cross your floor on their nails,
You know the heartache of owning a dog

Oh, cursed be the man who first lured to his cave
A creature once noble, ferocious, and brave
And watered it down to a slobbering knave:
Minus lupus, add canis: the Dog.

As frightfully absurd as a man eating quiche
Is the bubble-brained cur at the end of a leash;
A potpourri, medley, composite, pastiche
Of inanities make up the dog.

When you try to avoid them, it's a futile case
As their owners so clueless, ignoble, and base
Let them shit in your yard and yap loud in your face
And hate you if you don't like their dog.


You can give them a bath, and yet still in one hour
A smell that no shampoo can yet overpower
Will emanate forth, sending you to the shower
If you've been forced to touch someone's dog.

Some people dress dogs in sweaters or put them in hats
Whether they're big as Goliath or smaller than rats
Y'know who won't put up with that crap, folks? Yep, cats!
Who are a hell of a lot smarter than dogs.


This is my "Anti-Dog Song" which makes the dog-lovers in my life sad, mostly because in their hearts they know that every word is true (except the part about quiche -- I really do think it's OK for a man to eat quiche).  I wrote it this past summer, when I was in the throes of depression over the fact that we had a dog.

My dad said that I ought to remove from this blog my post from May 2013 about our dog, Daisy, that we had adopted.  But, I do not believe in erasing history.  We did, indeed, adopt a dog -- only to find out that we had made a dreadful mistake. 

There was nothing wrong with Daisy, other than that she is a dog, and we are not dog-people.  She really was our Bellis Perennis, Canis Optima -- the best possible dog that we could  have ever had.  She did not bark or have accidents in the house.  She did not chew. She was not aggressive.  She was sweet and nice and eager to please.  But, her fatal flaw for us was that she was a dog, and -- as I said -- we are not dog-people.

Here is the happy end to the story -- one with which dog-lovers cannot quibble: When we collectively realized as a family that nobody loved the dog, we immediately made steps to have the adoption agency put her back into the system to try to find her a forever home.  We fostered her for about two weeks until they found a lady to come look at her.  It was love at first sight for both of them.  I am delighted to report that Daisy went to a loving home -- one that could appreciate her many stellar doggish qualities -- at the end of August, and we have been dog-free more than three months.  We have since adopted two kitties, whom we love with all our hearts.  Everyone wins!

Anyway, I still think that this song is pretty funny, in a painful, truth-telling, cathartic sort of way.  Here in western Washington State -- where there are more dogs than Christians -- our family is surrounded by the "Children of Dog," as I have taken to calling the cult of canine that has sprouted all over the world in recent years.  Two of our neighbors have each a little rat-like mutt, both of whom come regularly into our backyard to eat the bird food I put out and then leave stinky deposits.  I hate them. However, friends and family have nice enough doggies with whom I do not mind having occasional, friendly interactions.

I guess if you think dogs are one step removed from angels, you can leave a comment telling me how utterly wretched a person I am and how I am going to hell and all that.  I won't believe it, but you can vent.  But, I am really posting this for the oppressed fellow travelers out there who know that dogs are not really all that great and are rather a nuisance than otherwise and maybe have to deal with obnoxious dogs in your neighborhoods or homes.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 


Morris said...

Ha! I'm with You, Justine. I tolerate dogs, but I've always enjoyed the company of cats more.

Have a Happy Christmas, Justine.

Justine said...

Thanks, Morris! Cheers!

Merry Christmas and a Prosperous 2014!