I've been a little blue lately, and I would like to ask for your prayers. I'm usually so happy-go-lucky and buoyant, that I think my recent funky funk has Jason worried. But, everyone gets a little down now and then, and though my low periods are few and far between, they still occur.
My life is usually loaded with benefits (Psalm 68:19) -- blessings so bountiful and undeserved that I marvel at my Creator's love. So, it always strikes me as particularly ungrateful whenever my rose-colored glasses tinge purple. I know that I am held in Arms of Love and I will never, ever be forsaken, but the human condition is still so hard sometimes. Jason seems to think that faith should trump any hardship, but I remember that my Lord still sweated blood in Gethsemane -- and if He who knows the beginning and the end and all things between could still find and connect to the human heart that knows fear, worry, and desperation, then why should I not be allowed moments in the valley? These journeys to the vales just allow me to be lifted higher onto the mountain (and anything is better than a life lived on the plateau).
Any prayers you can spare are coveted and appreciated. This is shaping up to be a bummer of a Christmas season. I usually just love Christmas so much -- but this year we will be a lonely group of three, because neither Jason's parents nor mine are able to come and visit. Sadie keeps asking if her grandparents will come (both sets came last year!), and it is heartbreaking to say, "No." And this time of year always has the memory of losing my mom lurking beneath the surface, so I'm more emotional about a dearth of family-time than I might otherwise have been. My mother spent her last Christmas (1997) in Hawaii -- the next year she was dead. In the anger phase of my grief, I was so mad that she robbed me of that last Christmas. I'm tired of fractured holidays. Especially as my dad gets older, I worry about the passing of time, and I want to savor and treasure every memory with him -- so my frustration at our separation becomes palpable at this memory-laden time of year.
That's probably this biggest reason for this indigo haze, but, of course, there are a bunch of little irksome things that would be laughed off if I weren't so bummed out about Christmas. Hmmm ... it feels good to write it out -- I feel my sense of humor returning as I type. That stupid Judy Garland song from Meet Me in St. Louis is echoing, unwelcomed, through my head (there's a lot of space in there!): Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Let your heart be light/From now on our troubles will be out of sight/ ... /Some day soon we all will be together/If the fates allow/Hang a shining star upon the highest bough/And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. Sung in Garland's mournful, trembling voice -- yeeeach! Then that crazy little girl goes out and whacks all those snowmen's heads off -- definitely the high point in that treacly celluloid yawn-fest (sorry, vermonster). Sweet!
Hey! I have a lot more friends this year than last -- all my dear blogging buddies, for whom I feel such love and respect. And that is something to lift my shattered spirits forthwith and swell my heart with incredible gratitude. Peace of Christ to all, and a very merry Christmas!