Friday, February 13, 2015

Proclamation of Amnesty Granted to All Men

Whereas St. Valentinus was executed by Emperor Claudius II in 270 A.D. for secretly marrying Christian couples during a time of severe persecution; and

Whereas Valentine's Day is a ridiculous pseudo-holiday as now practiced in these United States that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the magnificent sacrifice by St. Valentinus; and

Whereas gifts such as the Hunka Love Bear and Hoodie-Footie Pajamas are insulting to both grown women and the martyred Saint; and

Whereas gifts such as the ones listed above and the more generic flowers and candy show that you really have no idea what to do to acknowledge this insipid and fatuous arbitrary day that is only recognized to fuel the inanity-driven Guilt Industry until Mother's Day comes around; and

Whereas men really have enough going on without worrying about Valentine's Day, and women do not need more crap piled up in their homes; and

Whereas the only true way to honor St. Valentinus is to marry the girl already; and

Whereas the most beleaguered among you have already completed the aforesaid action and have no need to acknowledge this half-baked holiday at all; therefore,

I, Justine, by the power vested in me by the possession of double-x chromosomes do hereby and without prejudice absolve all men everywhere of the need to in any way recognize or commemorate the invented holiday currently known as Valentine's Day.

Seriously, guys, try to show her you love her in small ways every day, and just relax on February 14.

With your help, dear Men of America, we can see the death of the Hunka Love Bear and Hoodie-Footie pajamas.