The New Face of the NRA

With Charlton Heston's tragic decline into the long goodbye of Alzheimer's Disease, the National Rifle Association needs a new celebrity spokesman. I propose Tinky Winky, the infamous purple Teletubby.

First a disclaimer: I have never actually watched the Teletubbies on PBS, nor would I ever think of allowing my daughter to view same. They are super creepy and generally heinous. However, I am familiar with the controversies surrounding these freaks, since I have a perverse sense of humor, and the Teletubbies appeal to that darker side of my nature.

So, here is why Tinky Winky should be courted by the NRA as their new public face:

1) Tinky Winky packs heat. Oh yes, he does. A Massachusetts mother recently made news because her two-year-old's Teletubby toy says, "Uh-oh! I got a gun." when his tummy is pushed. You really cannot blame ol' Tinks for this, since I would want a method of self-defense myself, should my stomach constantly be punched by rugrats. Let that be a warning to them!

What I love most about this recent tid-bit is the reaction of the company that makes the Teletubby toys. They stated (I paraphrase), "We were made aware of this problem six years ago and issued a recall. This toy obviously either fell through the cracks or is a re-sold toy." I am tickled by their blasé attitude. "(Yawn) Yeah, yeah, lady. Tell us something we didn't already know. The purple one packs heat. Why did you think he carries a purse?" Speaking of which ...

2) Tinky Winky was outed as the gay Teletubby by the ever-prescient Jerry Falwell. This would be a major image helper to the NRA, which is generally seen as a hotbed of boiling heterosexual testosterone. Tinks would bring out the softer side of the NRA. I am envisioning a whole new retail arena for the NRA -- the Tinky Winky line of color-coordinated purses with a special compartment for concealed carry.

3) We cannot, as responsible commentators on the public scene, dismiss the PBS angle here. The Teletubbies are darlings of public broadcasting. Public broadcasting is the darling of social liberals who detest so often private -- well, private anything, really -- but especially private gun-ownership. What an ambassador for responsible gun usage would His Purpleness make! Every broadcasted episode could include a gun safety segment at the end. And then, of course, the announcer: "This episode of 'The Teletubbies' was made possible by a generous grant from the National Rifle Association."

4) I could be wrong here, having never seen an episode of "The Teletubbies," but I do believe that, other than warning folks that he's armed and a few other phrases, Tinky Winky is more of the silent, occasionally giggling, type. This could be a boon to the NRA, since the celebrity heir apparent to Charlton Heston is Tom Selleck, who too often comes across as a babbling airhead when asserting Second Amendment rights. I'm picturing Tinks on a talk show, being interviewed by a hostile host (à la Rosie O'Donnell with Selleck a few years back):

Host: How can you support private citizens' carrying guns when our rate of gun violence is so high in America?
Tinky Winky: Uh-oh! I got a gun.
Host: Mr. Winky, don't you think that we really do need more gun laws, if only to protect our children?
Tinky Winky: (giggles eerily and stares with vacant eyes)
Host (backing off with a look of alarm): Thank you for taking the time to appear on our show. Tinky Winky, ladies and gentlemen!
Tinky Winky: Uh-oh! I got a gun. Tubby toast! Tubby toast!

There's stalwart determination for you. Good for you, Tinks, not letting yourself be side-tracked!

So, I think that settles it. Tinky Winky should definitely be the new public face of the NRA. And, if you disagree with me, I can only say, "Uh-oh! I got a gun."